sleep, crying it out, and real results

So by the fifth month it's safe to say that the big "issue" of the day is sleep. Gone are the days of predictable sleep patterns that find Aidan eating and sleeping every two to three hours like clockwork. He's actually developing a pattern: two naps during the day and a veritable "bedtime" at night. I heard at a parents' support group that "sleeping through the night" means sleeping for five hour stretches (and not, as I had hoped, sleeping until I'm ready to wake up). Aidan is sleeping through the night alright. The only thing is, his night starts at 8:30pm. And while I'm always tired and easily prone to napping, I just can't get my own self down that early. I think what happens is that I'm so thrilled by the idea of some free time that I stay awake anyway, my utter fatigue notwithstanding. I'm usually down by 11:00, only to find myself awake and having to nurse in bed right around 1:30, 2:00 if we're lucky.

I'm not complaining -- just documenting this little milestone called "bedtime." I never thought we'd get to this point, being able to count on a scheduled time for 'night-night.' How we got here, though, might raise eyebrows. We succumbed, after weeks of struggling with ways to get Aidan into a routine, to the dreaded "CIO" method. That, of course, stands for 'crying it out,' and it's exactly that. We never let Aidan cry for longer than five minutes (although, according to my mom, Simon's mom, and just about every mom old enough to be a grandmother, this is nothing). Here's what we did -- and what has worked -- to get here. After nursing and burping, I put Aidan down, rub his stomach and head, and sing or whisper sweet nothings to him for a few minutes. I turn on his "sounds of nature" clock, dim the lights, and walk out quietly. Five minutes later he cries. I come in immediately, making sure not to pick him up or rock him, reassure him I still exist, rub his head and coo until he stops crying and leave again. Another five minutes go by: baby cries. This time, however, I wait a couple minutes before going back in. Dear hubbie and I continue this cycle, allowing for longer durations each time (but never exceeding five minutes) until he finally sleeps.

The first week or so we had to do this song and dance for at least an hour at a time before he'd fall asleep. Now, we're down to five minutes and sometimes, like today, he actually sleeps almost immediately after being put down because (I think) he finally associates his co-sleeper with, um, sleep.

"The books" are all over the map when it comes to getting your baby down. Some rail against this CIO method vehemently, warning you that your bundle of love will have serious self-esteem issues later in life. Others suggest quite the opposite: that letting your baby cry it out will help them learn to be self-sufficient and independent. Still others suggest a method that actually involves waking up your baby in the middle of the night (I never finished reading past the first paragraph of that suggestion). Who knows which method is "right?" It seems like no matter which method I use, there's a book or theory out there certain to convince me I'm a failure. What ultimately "worked" wasn't a single theory I espoused, but a cocktail of various ideas and suggestions. What worked was being able to trust a hunch I had about my son's temperament; my ability to recognize his "I'm dead tired" cues; and my intuition that although he cries he's not at all traumatized or in pain. Mind you, I waited five months to do try this CIO approach to sleeping. Five months! That means that for the first four months of his life I never let him cry longer than five minutes before going to sleep. By month five, it seemed like my self-esteem was more at stake than his...so I gave it a shot and he's now able to sleep sans issues.

I'm convinced, after five months of trial and error on all fronts, that those well-intentioned parenting books can actually impede intuitive parenting. (There's probably a book on "intuitive parenting," but whatever.) This isn't to say these books aren't helpful. For some things they're almost indispensable (figuring out what constitutes a temperature; knowing how to recognize constipation, etc.) But in so many situations -- certainly when it comes to the sleep issue -- they're not to be trusted as instruction manuals are. As you put it, S, they're not raising our kids, we are!